APRIL 17, 1998 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 21

BIG TIPS

I feel guilty when 'giving what I can' is nothing

by M.T. "the Big Tipper” Martone

I was born in 1964, and frankly, never really got to enjoy the '80s to the extent I feel I deserved. Due to my demographically marginal status, I didn't fit in with the pointyKeds-wearing, early-'70s-college-attending, fancy-water-buying boomers.

Now that I actually am 30-something, marketers and tastemakers don't care: If I'm not being lectured about fiber and regular mammograms, I'm being subjected to Surgedrinking, extreme-sports-conflating, Gen-Xtargeted marketing.

This liminal status has its benefits, of course: I don't feel like Nike has needles in my brain sensing my every shift of whim, but sometimes I'd like a trend or two with my name on it. After 32 years of neglect, though, it seems I need to take matters into my own hands, and so I introduce "Aquaconferencing."

This meets high-pressure business demands with just a twist of slack, and requires no fancy equipment, for those of us working at home on the cheap. Basically, you place all your business calls, most of which will result in leaving messages on machines and pagers. Then you drag the phone on a long cord into your bathroom, lay in the tub, and wait for people to call you back. No wet phone book, no expensive trips to the spa.

What do you think? I'll be waiting for your call.

Dear Big Tipper,

I belong to many groups and go to many meetings; some recovery, some political, and some social. Most of them are relatively informal, and support their expenses (like paying for the space where we meet) by passing a hat for “dues," or a donation. My money situation is quite tight, and it's

almost always impossible for me to put in money. I feel guilty about this, and embarrassed. Do you think I really shouldn't go unless I can pay?

Dear Passing on the Hat,

Time for Change?

If you have a social and emotional support system that's made up of these meetings, you need to keep them in your life. Here are a couple of ideas for dealing with the hat.

If it's just being passed, and people are throwing in "what they can,” and “what you can” is nothing, just pass it on without putting money in. That's absolutely fine. If you don't like people seeing you put in nothing, save your pennies and nickels during the week, and throw in a handful of the small stuff.

If this feels sleazy to you, pay in a different way. If your home is big enough, offer to host a meeting to save the group the fee for its meeting space. If baking isn't too expensive, make refreshments. Also, volunteer for committees, or extra jobbies, like typing minutes. Time really is money.

Another option is to ask a friend in the group, or just another friend, to sponsor you, and pay your dues. It's frequently no skin off of their back, and people feel good when you ask them. At different times, we have different amounts of different resources to give: If you find yourself with more in the future, you'll certainly do the same for someone in a similar situation. Take care, sweetie.

Dear Big Tipper,

I have a problem. I don't like the way my boyfriend smells. I can't imagine talking to him about it. What should I do?

Don't Adore the Odor

Dear Stink Mole,

Could you be a little more specific? Do you mean his sweat when he comes back from running? His come? His breath? The way the room smells when he's sleeping? Is he an Aqua Velva man? If he wears bad cologne, buy him something new and better smelling, or distract him before he splashes it on.

If he's a sweaty boy, in a bad way, maybe he needs a new deodorant. I myself like the natural crystal ones. I can't believe it, but it really does work. If he's funky and you don't want to dig your face into somewhere a little less than scrubby clean, lure him into the shower with you, or present him with the day's phone messages, and encourage him to "Aquaconference" to return the calls.

Is his come stinky? That probably has to do with what he's putting in the other end: smoking, drinking and diet all affect the taste of come. Alcohol, coffee, meat and cigarettes make it bitter, celery can make it sweeter.

Other than that, if you just don't like the

way he smells, you're probably in trouble, since smell is one of the most attractive and sexy parts of a lover. Not liking his smell is like not finding him cute: You can still love him, but you're missing a component of attraction.

Then again, the funniest-looking people become beautiful when you love them. If this is a new relationship, maybe in a month or two he'll start smelling like a lilac bush in springtime.

For a limited time, everyone who sends a letter, e-mail, or question to Big Tips will receive a piece of Blessed Mother bric-abrac: a key chain, a little statuette, perhaps a magnet. I am breaking up and dispersing a huge collection over the course of this year, and you are my latest recipients.

For more information on "The Diaspora Project," contact me at M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.

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